I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I want to be your penis for a week.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
