Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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