so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
