Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
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Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
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Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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