My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
