Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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