I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
