Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
