Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
