We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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