he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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