In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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