she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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