Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
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