I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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