he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
