You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
