Old men and throwing up are my life now.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
found the other keg... it's in the tree
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
