READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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