How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize