spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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