I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Randomize
