I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
