Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
