seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
