i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
