yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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