You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
