Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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