i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
