Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
