I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
