I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
