Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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