somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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