drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
