I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
