youre lurking in front of me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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