Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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