Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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