she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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