I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
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He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
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I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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