i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
