He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
