how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
