omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We were destined to go to rehab together
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
