I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
