I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
