Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
