I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
