you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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