I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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