Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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