Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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