cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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