My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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