the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
