why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
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Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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