i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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