Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
