If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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