I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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